What are some funny and smart quotes?

“The human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Too much alcohol kills brain cells, especially the slower, weaker ones. So, regular consumption of beer eliminates the slower brain cells after you’ve had a few beers which will speed up your brain.”

“It’s a little known fact that pigs are the smartest animal. Scientists say that if pigs had thumbs and a language that they could be trained to do manual labor. They give you 20 to 30 years of loyal service and then at their retirement dinner, you can eat them.”

“There is no rule against postal workers dating women. It just works out that way.”

You found a love potion, and your friend tried to use it on an attractive popular girl, but he accidentally dropped it on the neighbors dog. Now the dog won't stop following him. How would you help him?

“A Freudian slip is when you say one thing when you’re really thinking about a mother.”

My sister Tracy sent me these a little while ago. I thought I’d share them. Thanks Trace.

“Everyone in the Swiss Army owns a Swiss Army knife. That’s why no one messes with Switzerland.”

What are the legal obligations of a new homeowner if the previous owner leaves furniture in the house after moving out?

“It’s a little known fact that the tan became popular in the Bronze Age.”

Few people had funnier or smarter quotes than Cliff Clavin from the TV show, Cheers.

They did a study between postal workers and chimpanze...

How would you spank me if I had been sent home from a school camp because of my poor behavior?

“Ah just like all women. If they’re not turning down your proposal of marriage, they”re accusing you of suspicious behavior in the lingerie changing room.”